So I was at my friends house, and she’s one of those weird ass types who like… tans and shit. Like some kind of baked good or something. I can’t imagine what witchcraft was needed to achieve that strange skill.
And I wandered in their bathroom and saw sun block. I was like “Cool! Perhaps I should put this on.”
But then I saw it was SPF 15
What do you even DO with that? I would be more protected from the sun if I smeared mud on my skin and huddled under a bush. Much more protected.
Seriously, other than muddy bush huddling (teehee) the only thing I’ll settle for is SPF 45 on the low end.
Fuckin’ weird ass tan people tanning and shit.
Skrillex - Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites (PIANO cover)
This is ridiculously better than the original.
this is really pretty
Too scared to try…
Oh wow… My therapist is going to have a great time with me today.
I did it
Best adrenalin rush all day.
NOT SAYING IT.
Been sitting here for 3 minutes deciding whether or not to say it omfg
i’ve been sitting here with this huge grin on my face and i can’t decide
If I say it questioningly does it still count?
Julie D’Aubigny was a 17th-century bisexual French opera singer and fencing master who killed or wounded at least ten men in life-or-death duels, performed nightly shows on the biggest and most highly-respected opera stage in the world, and once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun. If nothing in that sentence at least marginally interests you, I have no idea why you’re visiting this website. (via Badass of the Week: Julie D’Aubigny, La Maupin) (thank you, Rachel!)
“…once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun.”
yeah ok that’s rad as fuck
Me: *reads this* FUCK YES. Summer read this.
Summer: *reading reading reading…* *gasps loudly and then starts laughing* Oh that’s awful!
Me: Clearly have different definitions of awful my friend.
Summer: No I mean… that’s badass and all, but it hurts my religious heart.
Me: The nun wanted it.
Dear step-uncle person of friend:
Stop trying to force McDonalds pancakes and other assorted foods down my throat.
I ate a fucking banana
I ingested the hell out of those calories.
That was goddamn sinful banana, but I purified it with the holy white hot burning acid of my stomach.
I am not anorexic.
I just don’t want more food.
I’ve been groaning in remorse so frequently and elaborately the past few minutes talking to this girl that I might have just done a stunning monologue in German.
I keep saying stupid things.
My famous eloquence has left me behind, moved onto someone else who uses it not for Tumblr posts, but for something more. (What the fuck that might be I have no idea.)
Holy crap how do you talk to women.
I just now saw a thing on my dash saying
“Does ship come from relationship?”
And I was like
OMFG IT DOES
HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS
HOW?! HOW?!! HOOOOWWWWWW?!!!
I seriously thought it meant like a literal ship.
Like we need to portion the characters of a story out into different ships so they can get diggy with it.
Who wants to be in a tiny as boat with a shit ton of other people who are all doing it?
Orgy boats don’t sail.
They simply rock too much.
Now to learn what OTP means.
Nyan Schrödinger’s Cat
how is this a thing. I love the fact that this is a thing.
I love this so much it makes my eyes bleed rainbows. <3
Schrödinger’s Cat! Schrödinger’s Cat!
Does it think? With its head?
Does it decay? Is it dead?
If it’s alive or dead!
A childish childlike child.
My mom: You know you can’t have a foxes and dik-diks…
My mom: Because the foxes will eat your dik-diks.
Me: AHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAJGHWAJHRWE AHAH HAHA HAHAHAHH AHAHA!!
Sometimes I like to replace curse words with the names of baked goods.
Snickerdoodle is a favorite of mine especially.
For example: I wanna snickerdoodle you in the cupcake.
Okay so I was walking through the store when suddenly! Pasta salad!
No like that’s what this product is called. Suddenly pasta salad. SUDDENLY PASTA SALAD. And like I understand that it’s a box of stuff that you add to pasta and suddenly it’s pasta salad. Okay cool, sounds pretty useful to me. But god that suddenly in the name. It just makes it sound so… sudden. You know? like you pull back the shower curtain and pasta salad!!!! You look in the mirror and what’s that behind you? It’s pasta salad. you hear a strange noise and pasta salad. you turn the corner and pasta salad. SUDDENLY PASTA SALAD. JUST OUT OF NOWHERE. ALL OF A SUDDEN. OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT. IT’S PASTA SALAD. Whatever happened here it happened suddenly, nobody had time to get out of the way, they say as they survey the pasta salad covered scene.
Like okay here’s a play along at home game, put on your best movie trailer voice and say “it was a quiet town… a peaceful town… when suddenly, pasta salad!” Or even just use your regular voice, unless your movie trailer voice is your regular voice, I don’t know your life, to say pretty much any sentence that would have suddenly in it but then after suddenly you say pasta salad. Then say another one. There you go, I just gave you enough jokes to sustain yourself maybe for the rest of your life.
Laughing so hard tears oh my fucking god
DON’T PULL THAT TL;DR SHIT ON ME